CHRISTMAS GREETINGS!
December 22, 2009
I’m off to California and then a post Christmas Christmas with relatives in Hawaii. When I return, we’ll go “Gardening”. Some really cool and new stuff on the Gardners of Swansea – and Emma, too!
But first, I send you more jibjab funnies. Click and enjoy! (have sound on).
This one is APPROPRIATE to the economic times.
From J.C. and the Gang – an idea is born.
And the Borden Office Party!
Have a safe and wonderful Holiday!
The Bordens: More Irreverent Humor
December 17, 2009
Another blogger recently wrote:
“Below the frostline now lay today what remains of the sad, frozen bones of Abby and Andrew Borden- still headless, - and now their likenesses and characters the fodder for irreverent cartoons, gift products and unspeakable accusations made without a shred of evidence. Those who once were loved and walked among us. Does the interval of Time allow for such insensitive liberties? Is murder ever a source for humor?”
I don’t pretend to mourn the deaths of Andrew and Abby Borden. I didn’t know them. They didn’t walk amongst me. Their deaths, tragic and horrible, were no less tragic and horrible than those of hundreds of thousands throughout history whose deaths were in service to our country, or the individual citizen who rushed towards fatal danger in a sacrifice to save another.
The death of Abby and Andrew were no less tragic and horrible as are those of thousands of kidnapped, abused and murdered children of the last century, the last decade, the last year. Those are the ones to which I can relate. As can any mother. I can mourn for my neighbor’s wife who just passed from cancer. I knew her. She walked amongst me.
But I will not pretend a sappy, maudlin and false sensitivity about mourning the death of Abby and Andrew Borden. If humorous characterizations (and there are tons of them) are considered irreverent and those that consider them funny are insensitive, then so be it. Let those who find it distasteful deal with it. The interval of Time did not give birth to such liberties. Irreverent humor has been a part of American culture since man first put pen to paper.
Let those who hide behind their works in the church and profess a reverent Christian POV (yes, I refer to the blogger quoted above of whom I know personally) while living a life of phony pretenses for purposes of popularity throw stones. Myself, and many like me, are quite adept at dodging them. Besides, if you believe in neither heaven nor hell the dictates of the Christian consequence are rendered moot.
Having said all that, I now present more such humor. View them or not. Like them or not. (Click links below images – have sound on).
Andrew Borden, William Moody, John Morse and other familiar faces:
http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/4DXlDFcOvb3PYUp3WVOm
A modern Lizzie and Young John Morse:
http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/6ET6nnbyIeMprPDVmX8e
Lizzie Borden does Carmen Miranda:
http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/b41mPAPf5SthoIomwLAN
Lizzie says to Moody: “Let Me Entertain You”:
Did Lizzie Borden Use Unnecessary Force?
December 15, 2009
Abby Borden, Lizzie’s stepmother, had 19 blows to her head with a hatchet. Her father, Andrew Borden, (who was killed a good hour an a half later) sustained 10 blows to the face and head – also with a hatchet. Some say that was overkill. Certainly it was, er, uh, unnecessary force.
If Lizzie were a woman of contemporary times with proper credentials and specialized training, she would have other outlets and instruments of means in which to release her pent up rage. She undoubtedly would not have messed with something so mundane as a hatchet. Something like this, for example.
Click link below. And be sure to have your sound turned on.
Lizzie Borden Discovered to Have Been in a Silent Movie
December 10, 2009
While this little feature film had a limited release, it does illustrate that Lizzie had at least one suitor during her latter years at Maplecroft.
Click below:
Let’s Go to the Movies and See Lizzie Borden!
December 9, 2009
You will most likely find the following video gross, irreverent, disrespectful, insensitive, cruel, blasphemous, sickening, – dare I go on? I’ll let you add to the list of adjectives after you’ve seen it. Just click on the URL and have your sound on.
http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/Z5dmbOJbwbSjxON0gi0t
Told ya so.
But here’s something much nicer….(ahem).
http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/tFRabqxiPFHjHCA4Mqer
Christmas With the Bordens – Part I
November 30, 2009
The season of Christmas is upon us and warrants a peek at how Lizzie Borden’s family celebrated.
And what is Christmas without a showing of that famous “It’s a Wonderful Life” film? This version has Deadwood’s Al Swearingen, Marshal Hilliard, and Little Lee-ann Wilber along with Andrew, Emma, and of course, our dear Lizzie.
Just click on the titles to get started. And be sure to have your sound on!
IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE WITH THE BORDENS!
Those lovable Bordens – when they were young - have a happy time decorating their Christmas tree!
And here take notice of how those Bordens stick together.
Lizzie Borden Videos…..
November 27, 2009
Image by Danny Evans
….seem to be everywhere. And they are mostly copied from one place to another, i.e., YouTube to MySpace to Hulu to Blog posts, and on and on. Video Regurgitation. Some are really bad and some are quite entertaining. But consider all the cell phones with video capability out there. And those B&B tourists who have them and do a minute video and call it their Lizzie Borden movie. Here are some samplings. (Just click on them).
Excellent bio with the lovely Helen Pierce, courtesy of Hulu.
The next one is a “legitimate” from the old t.v. series and taken from Lillian De La Torre’s play.
Alfred Hitchcock Presents The Older Sister
The following is my own personal favorite of the short, original creations:
They all have one thing in common: The continual perpetuation of Lizzie Borden as a one-dimensional, axe-wielding persona encapsulated in an inaccurate quatrain solidifying her as a demented psychopath. She was not. She was a woman of taste and deportment. She was a woman with a strong sense of her Borden roots, a strong belief in God and the hereafter, exquisite taste and a quick, intelligent mind. She valued those friendships that demonstrated their loyalty and, likewise, unforgiving to those who had, or whom she perceived to have demonstrated betrayals. There’s something to be said about that when it comes to her love of animals.
Lizzie Borden was not a psychopath. But she’s endured as a pop culture icon with a false image so embedded in the minds and imaginations of those who study not closely – albeit widely – on the internet. The content of almost all of the videos proves the point. It seems hardly a week goes by without someone, somewhere on the internet making reference to Lizzie Borden but most always in the context of that one dimensional persona. “I’m gonna go Lizzie Borden”, “The committee will do a Lizzie Borden on the proposed budget”, yadda, yadda, yadda.
What is particularly sad is when the Fall River Historical Society finally publishes it’s book, Parallel Lives, (at a retail price of nearly $50 and a limited market for heavy reading on the Borden case) it will have limited sales (we’re not talking the new Harry Potter book here) and will fail to alter her pop culture image amongst the masses. Anyone who thinks differently can’t see the forest for the trees. Nonetheless, this book promises to be of the same quality as the FRHS’s first book, The Knowlton Papers. Further, its new findings and photos will ensure its worthiness as a “must have” acquisition by Bordenia collectors and scholars.
As an example of the general disregard by the masses to the facts of the case, it was pretty much proven BACK IN 1893 that the murder weapon was a hatchet, not an AXE, for one thing, and anybody who’s read even one book on the case would know that. But it doesn’t matter, as 90% of the time she is identified with the axe, not a hatchet. The masses like their psychopathic, pop culture icons the way they are. That’s why they don’t bother with research by digging into available facts in books, forums, or subscribe to periodicals.
Education. Ain’t it a bitch?
Thanksgiving 1891 – What Lizzie Borden is Thankful For
November 25, 2009
Lizzie has sat down and made out a list for what she is thankful for on Thanksgiving, 1891:
I’m thankful for all the things I get to do at Central Congregational Church. (They like me! They really, really like me!)
I’m thankful I got accepted as Secretary to the Women’s Board of the Fall River Hospital. (They all like my penmanship).
I’m thankful Emma knows how to keep her mouth shut.
I’m thankful I’m a Borden.
I’m thankful I have so many books.
I’m thankful father pays my bills at McWhirrs, Gifford’s and other places for things I “got”.
I’m thankful I don’t have bright red hair.
I’m thankful Dr. Bowen lives nearby. (He is so handsome!)
I’m thankful I don’t have to do any housework, except the care of my room – which Emma does mostly anyway.
I’m thankful Abby has no shoes with good tread when she clumsily wobbles up and down the stairs.
I’m thankful Aunt Lurana’s neuralgia is not getting worse.
I’m thankful father called off the investigation of “that robbery” this year.
I’m thankful nobody used those horse-car tickets.
I’m thankful Mrs. Holmes and Anna Borden invite me to their homes so I can use a real bathroom.
I’m thankful father didn’t cut back my $4.00 a week allowance when I implored him to give me more – that miserly, degenerate b…..d. (Oh, but I dare not put my true thoughts down on paper).
I’m thankful Emma finally gave me the bigger room.
I’m thankful I got to go on the Grand Tour last year, and oh, how I pray to return.
I’m thankful I have an aversion to pigeon pie.
I’m thankful Uncle Morse won’t be here for dinner, that smelly, secretive old coot.
I’m thankful my new gloves match my new hat.
I’m thankful I have a knack for decorating.
I’m thankful for my loyal friends – few as they are.
I’m thankful Central is so close now that Father sold our horse.
I’m thankful Father keeps accumulating more property.
I wonder what I’ll be thankful for this time next year?
Down in Front!
November 3, 2009
Inside the Fall River theater – a movie based on historical fact is showing. Suddenly, a man stands up and blocks the view:
“Hey, Mister! Down in front! We’re tryna watch a movie here.”
“Thanks, Mister.”
Sneak Attack
October 17, 2009
From StumbleUpon.com – I just love this.
The Haunting of Lizzie Borden’s grave
October 16, 2009
Perhaps you’ve heard of the mysterious skulker of Oak Grove Cemetery in Fall River, Ma. On the other hand, perhaps you have not, in which case I’ll tell you.
For over a century people have seen the scurrying to and fro of a woman dressed in a black Victorian dress. She is described as neither attractive nor unattractive, neither young nor old, more short than tall and has pale blue eyes. It’s unknown how she gets into the cemetery as she has never been seen walking through the main gate off Prospect Avenue. When spotted from a distance and called out to, she will turn and look up and then quickly scurry away, disappearing between the headstones and over the little sloping hills.
Some people have claimed they saw her carrying away a bone, thought to be a femur, but at the time there was no evidence of any graves having been dug up or in any way disturbed. An Oak Grove caretaker once said he chased her for 200 yards on a vehicle similar to a golf cart but she could not be overtaken. She disappeared somewhere between Louis and Grace Howe and Philip T. Borden.
While in Boston at the Boston Public Library sifting through shelves of old film reels, I came across a short film done as an experiment with time lapse photography at Oak Grove Cemetery at night. After close scrutiny and playing it over and over, I could see this mysterious skulker captured on film! Look for yourself!
Recently spotted and captured on digital camera, I can now reveal the mysterious skulker of Oak Grove:
Scroll down slowly
Keep scrolling
Wait for it
Wait for it
You’re almost there
Trust me, you’re very close
Almost there
Almost
ta daaaa
Photos taken by Don S., a guest at the Lizzie Borden Bed & Breakfast on Saturday, August 4, 2007. How he got her to stand still I’ll never know.
That Lizzie. “She’s everywhere”. 
15 days to Holloween
TMZ-ing LIZZIE BORDEN
September 29, 2009
We are streaming live at the Central Police Station Courthouse where crowds have converged and reporters with notepads and pencils scribble furiously to meet newspaper deadlines to tell the world what is happening with the prime suspect – Lizzie Andrew Borden – in this most heinous double murder of the notable Andrew Borden and his second wife, Abby Durfee Gray Borden. Public emotions haven’t been so taut since the Granite Mill Fire.
Miss Borden was accompanied yesterday by her sister, Emma Borden and friend Mary Brigham. Lizzie wore a sleek Ralph Lauren two piece suit with side-slitted skirt accentuated with pearl buttons. Her right hand clutched her pansy engraved I-Phone while her left hand held tightly to her sister, adorned as usual in her plain synthetic fabric smock of no discernable fashion. Mary Brigham was nicely groomed in a Donatello knee length summer day dress with the neckline cut appropriately for the occasion. We are told that Lizzie was upset by some press remarks yesterday as to her hair style. Her shakey but loyal assistant, Alice Russell, has reported we can be expected to see Lizzie in nut-brown hair extensions today.
All manners of conveyance have crowded the tiny square of Central Police Station and horse carts, wagons, ice trucks and inebriated Irishmen riding piggyback on the shoulders of men from the Azores jostle for position. By the hundreds they have swarmed to this area. Men vastly outnumber the women who have surged upon this scene, crushed as it were – and who can say but that the murderer may be among them?
Miss Borden will continue her testimony in this Inquest before District Attorney Hosea Knowlton but it is not known if she will be remanded to the custody of the Marshall or returned to the scene of the crime when the proceedings conclude. A reliable source (no, not John Morse) has said that Miss Borden does not intend to spend a single night in jail let alone be charged with these crimes. Her spiritual advisor, the Reverend Buck, told confidential sources that Miss Lizzie will be signing a record contract with Clive Davis’ label and is in contact with Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Phil. It is not known if such contacts are for bookings on their show or some other reason. But it has been confirmed that Ann Rule, noted Seattle, Washington author, who was spotted in the courtroom yesterday, will be making an appearance again today. As to whether or not Ms. Rule is featuring these murders as the topic of her new book, one can only speculate.
Wait, wait – we see her, the limo approaches – the throngs of people in the square are waving off to the left…..she is upon us.
“Miss Lizzie! Miss Lizzie! What have you to say?” “You look beautiful, Lizzie.”
——-to be continued
A Lizzie Borden “Too Serious” Time Out
September 26, 2009
You know, we can’t ALWAYS take this Lizzie Borden thing too seriously. She should remain a viable blip upon the larger landscape of our lives and not the driving force within our core. So, having proudly pontificated that point – let us take a little repass – albeit irreverent – and have a slight chuckle or two. I promise the next entry will be more scholarly.
Two Funny Guys in Fall River
September 19, 2009
A friend of mine in Fall River kept telling me to check out her cousin’s videos and so today I finally did. I laughed out loud at his “MTV Cribs – Fall River” style parody. If you’ve ever seen MTV Cribs you’ll find this as hilarious as I did.
Lizzie Borden – A Contemporary Woman
September 10, 2009
Recycled But Edited Post. Why? Because I can. (I’m a closet anarchist at heart).
What would Lizzie Borden look like if she had been born in 1980 instead of 1860? She would be 29 years old, rich, unmarried, extremely well read, possessed of great taste in clothing, art, literature and might have looked like these offerings:
The sophisticated Lizzie dines at only the best restaurants where she never has to wait for a table.
Avant Garde Lizzie likes both classic and rock music. Impressed by Susan Boyle as well as Pink, both of whom she emulates.
The author Lizzie whose book on “Terriers and Tiaras” was a best seller in the New England area poses for her book jacket cover.
The reclusive Lizzie who finally said: “Screw it. I’m wearing my hair the way I like it.”
Often criticized in print for signing a one million dollar contract with Breck Shampoo, Lizzie strikes a fetching pose.
The society matron “Lisbeth Borden” rarely misses a major charity event, often escorted by Johnathan Summerfield Brayton III.
Insisting she’s only 25, Miss Borden pushes the envelope when she also states she’s a natural blonde.
Miss Borden was snapped at the Liberty Theatre in New York attending the premiere of “Lizzie Borden the Rock Musical”. “Loved it! Positively loved it!” she said.
We’ve been wondering about Miss Lisbeth Borden all summer when she finally surfaced looking pale and sickly. Rumors abound she’s very close friends of late with Lindsay Lohan.
Back to her brunette-with-the reddish hew-hair, Miss Borden was spotted dining at Spago’s with an identified escort who was asked if he had smeared her lipstick.
Well, not likely. Instead, she remains that compelling, enigmatic persona with the “axe” as depicted below. Poor Lizzie. She might as well have lived in an era of society’s insatiable celebrity obsession. She would have been the TMZ queen, hounded by paparazzi’s and in and out of rehab just for some “alone” time.
When Julie Andrews turned 64
July 28, 2009
To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan ’s Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of musical numbers she performed was ‘My Favorite Things’ from the legendary movie ‘Sound Of Music’. Here are the lyrics she used:
(Sing It!) - If you sing it, it’s especially hysterical!!!
Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel ! so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad.
Ms Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd
that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please
share Ms. Andrews’ clever wit and humor with others who
would appreciate it.
(The above is from an email that is circulating widely.)
Michael Jackson Memorial
July 6, 2009
I got tickets to the Michael Jackson Memorial!!! I can’t believe it. I’m so excited! I won 2 tickets on eBay for $10,000. And it was a much better deal than this one.
I had heard on the news that you have to show up at Dodger Stadium today and one of the 2 wristbands will be put on. So I cut off my arm yesterday and shipped it overnight express to the guy who’s picking up the
tickets for me. He will slip my arm up his sleeve and have the wristband put on and then keep it refrigerated until I arrive. And as a surprise bonus I find out I qualify for handicap parking at Staples Center.
I’m so excited I can hardly sleep. I called Dr. Murray and asked if he’d drive me in the van (you know the one, the one with the oxygen tanks in it that he drove off in right after MJ died) and give me something to put me down. We cut a deal that I give him the second ticket, but this will disappoint Billie Jean’s kid whom I was planning to take instead.
Top Ten Reasons Sarah Palin Resigned
July 3, 2009
Oh, for heaven’s sake – of course there’s more to come out as to why Sarah Palin, aka Governor Platitude Pants (thank you Montana Jack), announced her decision to resign today.
Just for laffs, and nothing to do with Lizzie, consider these possibilities:
(drum roll)
10. Was in the room when Michael Jackson died.
9. Knocked up by Gov. Sanford at a Yankee’s game.
8. Bitch slapped five staffers who’ve had enough.
7. Planning to leave Todd and move to Argentina with Ann Coulter.
6. Writing a book and doing lecture circuit more lucrative than milking Alaskans.
5. Neighbor built huge house blocking view of Russia.
4. Anderson Cooper expose’ that Trig is really Michael Jackson’s child.
3. Surgeon soon to reveal she’s transgendered.
2. Signed up for new reality series: “I’m a Governor, Get Me Out of Here.”
And the Number 1 reason Sarah Palin resigned:
1. TMZ soon to publish photo of her giving head to a bull moose.
My Interview With Sarah Palin
June 12, 2009
Sarah Palin, media slut politico, is really making a big deal out of Letterman’s joke the other night. So I envisioned myself interviewing her on a morning talk show. Might go something like this:
Me: Good morning. How are you today?
SP: First of all, let me say I would have hoped we could get off to a pleasant beginning. I do not think it appropriate to question my personal health simply because you cannot form a conclusion as to the condition of the weather. Personally, I don’t think the weather is the main issue in today’s politics. Main stream Americans have more on their mind in today’s economy.
Me: Wow.
SP: Are you referring to my outfit or my hairdo?
Me: Good lord.
SP: Yes, he is a good Lord. And I know, and all true Americans across this country know that our Lord is blessing us with our faith and will provide and take care of us in our times of discord and doubt.
Me: Right. Governor Palin, you are promoting a multi billion dollar pipeline project that will deliver oil to Canada and then fanned out to the 48. Do you see this project coming to fruition in our generation or the generation of our children?
SP: First of all, let me say that our children are innocent in the eyes of God and should be not used by the media, such as these talk shows, to promote one’s own kinky secrets.
Me: What in the world do you mean by that?
SP: I think my meaning is pretty clear. You used the pipeline project as a phallus symbol and created a very offensive joke by bringing in children of American families. I don’t think any decent American would find humor in a sick joke implying rape by a foreign object on little children.
Me: (aside) Can somebody hit me over the head because I think I’m already unconscious.
Me: Governor Palin, when was the last time you had a psychiatric examination?
SP: (smiling) Oh no you don’t. I won’t fall into that. But I will, after this interview is over, look up the definition of psychiatric and I’ll get back to you.
Me: Our time is up, Governor, and I will allow you a final comment.
SP: There is no truth to the rumor that Todd paint’s my toenails. Todd is a hunter. Not a painter.
Me: Thank you. Thank you. (aside) Somebody get me a god damn drink!
–
******************
My favorite quote:
On the dogmas of religion, as distinguished from moral principles, all mankind, from the beginning of the world to this day, have been quarreling, fighting, burning and torturing one another, for abstractions unintelligible to themselves and to all others, and absolutely beyond the comprehension of the human mind.
– Thomas Jefferson, letter to Archibald Carey, 1816
Hell
February 27, 2009
The following blog entry has nothing to do with Lizzie (hmmm?). ***********************************************************************
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the
rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you”, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct…leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”
(THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A” IN THE CLASS.)
