Just for Laughs
CNN World Headquarters in Atlanta:
“Fall River. The younger daughter of a banker suspected of the brutal murders of her father and stepmother. Anderson Cooper is on the ground. Stand by.”
Greta Van Sustern:
“I sat down with Miss Borden and she assured me she didn’t do it. I believe her.”
Wall Street Impact:
“Mr. Borden was worth twelve million dollars not counting his wardrobe.”
“She had her own room, nice clothes, a comfortable home. I suppose this just wasn’t enough. How could a daughter do such a thing to her own father? Was she just a spoiled brat? Tonight we have 3 psychologists who will delve into the mind of this haughty accused younger daughter.”
“On the panel tonight – Marshall Rufus Hilliard, Mayor John Coughlin, Undertaker Winward, and Renscomb Case. Don’t go away, we’ll be right back.”
“We have a film clip of Fall River – notice the beautiful bay and the Victorian homes. Today, everyone in the audience gets a Victorian home! Yayyyy!”
“Live from Saturday Night – It’s Lizzie Borden!”
“Did you hear about the spinster school teacher that whacked her father and stepmother in Fall River? Well, okay, okay, suspected. Oh sure. The only one who could have done it. This is a no brainer. Supposedly she wanted to live up on The Hill where all the rich people lived. Some daughters, you just don’t say No to.”
“I think I heard about it. Fall River. Is that in the Mediterranean?”
Dr. Oz: “
Three day old mutton. Clogs your arteries. Johnny Cakes. Sugar and corn meal. Rotten bananas. Never mind axes and hatchets. This stuff can kill you.”
Bristol County District Attorney:
“It was an impossible crime. And yet it happened. Now get that microphone out of my face.”
Mayor of Fall River:
“Whatever I have to say I will say on Larry King.”
Police Chief Souza: “I’m in a time warp. Get me out of here.”
Geraldo Rivera -(searching the barn – drops his microphone and walks off)
“We caught Lizzie peeking out of the dining room window. What a babe!”
“Had Obama not restricted funds for better transportation in the region, this type of thing would not have happened. We have the Democrats and all their ilk to blame for this.”
Abby Borden, Lizzie’s stepmother, had 19 blows to her head with a hatchet. Her father, Andrew Borden, (who was killed a good hour an a half later) sustained 10 blows to the face and head – also with a hatchet. Some say that was overkill. Certainly it was, er, uh, unnecessary force.
If Lizzie were a woman of contemporary times with proper credentials and specialized training, she would have other outlets and instruments of means in which to release her pent up rage. She undoubtedly would not have messed with something so mundane as a hatchet. Something like this, for example.
Click link below. And be sure to have your sound turned on. It takes a while to load, so please be patient.
I’m off to California and then a post Christmas Christmas with relatives in Hawaii. When I return, we’ll go “Gardening”. Some really cool and new stuff on the Gardners of Swansea – and Emma, too!
But first, I send you more jibjab funnies. Click and enjoy! (have sound on).
This one is APPROPRIATE to the economic times.
From J.C. and the Gang – an idea is born.
And the Borden Office Party!
Have a safe and wonderful Holiday!
Another blogger recently wrote:
“Below the frostline now lay today what remains of the sad, frozen bones of Abby and Andrew Borden- still headless, - and now their likenesses and characters the fodder for irreverent cartoons, gift products and unspeakable accusations made without a shred of evidence. Those who once were loved and walked among us. Does the interval of Time allow for such insensitive liberties? Is murder ever a source for humor?”
I don’t pretend to mourn the deaths of Andrew and Abby Borden. I didn’t know them. They didn’t walk amongst me. Their deaths, tragic and horrible, were no less tragic and horrible than those of hundreds of thousands throughout history whose deaths were in service to our country, or the individual citizen who rushed towards fatal danger in a sacrifice to save another.
The death of Abby and Andrew were no less tragic and horrible as are those of thousands of kidnapped, abused and murdered children of the last century, the last decade, the last year. Those are the ones to which I can relate. As can any mother. I can mourn for my neighbor’s wife who just passed from cancer. I knew her. She walked amongst me.
But I will not pretend a sappy, maudlin and false sensitivity about mourning the death of Abby and Andrew Borden. If humorous characterizations (and there are tons of them) are considered irreverent and those that consider them funny are insensitive, then so be it. Let those who find it distasteful deal with it. The interval of Time did not give birth to such liberties. Irreverent humor has been a part of American culture since man first put pen to paper.
Let those who hide behind their works in the church and profess a reverent Christian POV (yes, I refer to the blogger quoted above of whom I know personally) while living a life of phony pretenses for purposes of popularity throw stones. Myself, and many like me, are quite adept at dodging them. Besides, if you believe in neither heaven nor hell the dictates of the Christian consequence are rendered moot.
Having said all that, I now present more such humor. View them or not. Like them or not. (Click links below images – have sound on).
First, cut and paste this one. It’s a hoot:
Andrew Borden, William Moody, John Morse and other familiar faces:
A modern Lizzie and Young John Morse:
Lizzie Borden does Carmen Miranda:
Lizzie says to Moody: “Let Me Entertain You”:
While this little feature film had a limited release, it does illustrate that Lizzie had at least one suitor during her latter years at Maplecroft.
You will most likely find the following video gross, irreverent, disrespectful, insensitive, cruel, blasphemous, sickening, – dare I go on? I’ll let you add to the list of adjectives after you’ve seen it. Just click on the URL and have your sound on.
Told ya so.
But here’s something much nicer….(ahem).
The season of Christmas is upon us and warrants a peek at how Lizzie Borden’s family celebrated.
And what is Christmas without a showing of that famous “It’s a Wonderful Life” film? This version has Deadwood’s Al Swearingen, Marshal Hilliard, and Little Lee-ann Wilber along with Andrew, Emma, and of course, our dear Lizzie.
Just click on the titles to get started. And be sure to have your sound on!
And here take notice of how those Bordens stick together.
….seem to be everywhere. And they are mostly copied from one place to another, i.e., YouTube to MySpace to Hulu to Blog posts, and on and on. Video Regurgitation. Some are really bad and some are quite entertaining. But consider all the cell phones with video capability out there. And those B&B tourists who have them and do a minute video and call it their Lizzie Borden movie. Here are some samplings. (Just click on them).
Excellent bio with the lovely Helen Pierce, courtesy of Hulu.
The next one is a “legitimate” from the old t.v. series and taken from Lillian De La Torre’s play.
The following is my own personal favorite of the short, original creations:
They all have one thing in common: The continual perpetuation of Lizzie Borden as a one-dimensional, axe-wielding persona encapsulated in an inaccurate quatrain solidifying her as a demented psychopath. She was not. She was a woman of taste and deportment. She was a woman with a strong sense of her Borden roots, a strong belief in God and the hereafter, exquisite taste and a quick, intelligent mind. She valued those friendships that demonstrated their loyalty and, likewise, unforgiving to those who had, or whom she perceived to have demonstrated betrayals. There’s something to be said about that when it comes to her love of animals.
Lizzie Borden was not a psychopath. But she’s endured as a pop culture icon with a false image so embedded in the minds and imaginations of those who study not closely – albeit widely – on the internet. The content of almost all of the videos proves the point. It seems hardly a week goes by without someone, somewhere on the internet making reference to Lizzie Borden but most always in the context of that one dimensional persona. “I’m gonna go Lizzie Borden”, “The committee will do a Lizzie Borden on the proposed budget”, yadda, yadda, yadda.
What is particularly sad is when the Fall River Historical Society finally publishes it’s book, Parallel Lives, (at a retail price of nearly $50 and a limited market for heavy reading on the Borden case) it will have limited sales (we’re not talking the new Harry Potter book here) and will fail to alter her pop culture image amongst the masses. Anyone who thinks differently can’t see the forest for the trees. Nonetheless, this book promises to be of the same quality as the FRHS’s first book, The Knowlton Papers. Further, its new findings and photos will ensure its worthiness as a “must have” acquisition by Bordenia collectors and scholars.
As an example of the general disregard by the masses to the facts of the case, it was pretty much proven BACK IN 1893 that the murder weapon was a hatchet, not an AXE, for one thing, and anybody who’s read even one book on the case would know that. But it doesn’t matter, as 90% of the time she is identified with the axe, not a hatchet. The masses like their psychopathic, pop culture icons the way they are. That’s why they don’t bother with research by digging into available facts in books, forums, or subscribe to periodicals.
Education. Ain’t it a bitch?
Lizzie has sat down and made out a list for what she is thankful for on Thanksgiving, 1891:
I’m thankful for all the things I get to do at Central Congregational Church. (They like me! They really, really like me!)
I’m thankful I got accepted as Secretary to the Women’s Board of the Fall River Hospital. (They all like my penmanship).
I’m thankful Emma knows how to keep her mouth shut.
I’m thankful I’m a Borden.
I’m thankful father pays my bills at McWhirrs, Gifford’s and other places for things I “got”.
I’m thankful Dr. Bowen lives nearby. (He is so handsome!)
I’m thankful I don’t have to do any housework, except the care of my room – which Emma does mostly anyway.
I’m thankful Abby has no shoes with good tread when she clumsily wobbles up and down the stairs.
I’m thankful father called off the investigation of “that robbery” this year.
I’m thankful nobody used those horse-car tickets.
I’m thankful Mrs. Holmes and Anna Borden invite me to their homes so I can use a real bathroom.
I’m thankful father didn’t cut back my $4.00 a week allowance when I implored him to give me more – that miserly, degenerate b…..d. (Oh, but I dare not put my true thoughts down on paper).
I’m thankful I got to go on the Grand Tour last year, and oh, how I pray to return.
I’m thankful I have an aversion to pigeon pie.
I’m thankful Uncle Morse won’t be here for dinner, that smelly, secretive old coot.
I’m thankful my new gloves match my new hat.
I’m thankful I have a knack for decorating.
I’m thankful for my loyal friends – few as they are.
I’m thankful Central is so close now that Father sold our horse.
I’m thankful Father keeps accumulating more property.
I wonder what I’ll be thankful for this time next year?
Perhaps you’ve heard of the mysterious skulker of Oak Grove Cemetery in Fall River, Ma. On the other hand, perhaps you have not, in which case I’ll tell you.
For over a century people have seen the scurrying to and fro of a woman dressed in a black Victorian dress. She is described as neither attractive nor unattractive, neither young nor old, more short than tall and has pale blue eyes. It’s unknown how she gets into the cemetery as she has never been seen walking through the main gate off Prospect Avenue. When spotted from a distance and called out to, she will turn and look up and then quickly scurry away, disappearing between the headstones and over the little sloping hills.
Some people have claimed they saw her carrying away a bone, thought to be a femur, but at the time there was no evidence of any graves having been dug up or in any way disturbed. An Oak Grove caretaker once said he chased her for 200 yards on a vehicle similar to a golf cart but she could not be overtaken. She disappeared somewhere between Louis and Grace Howe and Philip T. Borden.
While in Boston at the Boston Public Library sifting through shelves of old film reels, I came across a short film done as an experiment with time lapse photography at Oak Grove Cemetery at night. After close scrutiny and playing it over and over, I could see this mysterious skulker captured on film! Look for yourself!
Recently spotted and captured on digital camera, I can now reveal the mysterious skulker of Oak Grove:
Scroll down slowly
Wait for it
Wait for it
You’re almost there
Trust me, you’re very close
Photos taken by Don S., a guest at the Lizzie Borden Bed & Breakfast on Saturday, August 4, 2007. How he got her to stand still I’ll never know.
That Lizzie. “She’s everywhere”. ;)
15 days to Holloween
You know, we can’t ALWAYS take this Lizzie Borden thing too seriously. She should remain a viable blip upon the larger landscape of our lives and not the driving force within our core. So, having proudly pontificated that point – let us take a little repass – albeit irreverent – and have a slight chuckle or two. I promise the next entry will be more scholarly.
A friend of mine in Fall River kept telling me to check out her cousin’s videos and so today I finally did. I laughed out loud at his “MTV Cribs – Fall River” style parody. If you’ve ever seen MTV Cribs you’ll find this as hilarious as I did.
To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan ‘s Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of musical numbers she performed was ‘My Favorite Things’ from the legendary movie ‘Sound Of Music’. Here are the lyrics she used:
(Sing It!) - If you sing it, it’s especially hysterical!!!
Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel ! so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad.
Ms Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd
that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please
share Ms. Andrews’ clever wit and humor with others who
would appreciate it.
(The above is from an email that is circulating widely.)
I got tickets to the Michael Jackson Memorial!!! I can’t believe it. I’m so excited! I won 2 tickets on eBay for $10,000. And it was a much better deal than this one.
I had heard on the news that you have to show up at Dodger Stadium today and one of the 2 wristbands will be put on. So I cut off my arm yesterday and shipped it overnight express to the guy who’s picking up the tickets for me. He will slip my arm up his sleeve and have the wristband put on and then keep it refrigerated until I arrive. And as a surprise bonus I find out I qualify for handicap parking at Staples Center.
I’m so excited I can hardly sleep. I called Dr. Murray and asked if he’d drive me in the van (you know the one, the one with the oxygen tanks in it that he drove off in right after MJ died) and give me something to put me down. We cut a deal that I give him the second ticket, but this will disappoint Billie Jean’s kid whom I was planning to take instead.
Oh, for heaven’s sake – of course there’s more to come out as to why Sarah Palin, aka Governor Platitude Pants (thank you Montana Jack), announced her decision to resign today.
Just for laffs, and nothing to do with Lizzie, consider these possibilities:
10. Was in the room when Michael Jackson died.
9. Knocked up by Gov. Sanford at a Yankee’s game.
8. Bitch slapped five staffers who’ve had enough.
7. Planning to leave Todd and move to Argentina with Ann Coulter.
6. Writing a book and doing lecture circuit more lucrative than milking Alaskans.
5. Neighbor built huge house blocking view of Russia.
4. Anderson Cooper expose’ that Trig is really Michael Jackson’s child.
3. Surgeon soon to reveal she’s transgendered.
2. Signed up for new reality series: “I’m a Governor, Get Me Out of Here.”
And the Number 1 reason Sarah Palin resigned:
1. TMZ soon to publish photo of her giving head to a bull moose.
Sarah Palin, media slut politico, is really making a big deal out of Letterman’s joke the other night. So I envisioned myself interviewing her on a morning talk show. Might go something like this:
Me: Good morning. How are you today?
SP: First of all, let me say I would have hoped we could get off to a pleasant beginning. I do not think it appropriate to question my personal health simply because you cannot form a conclusion as to the condition of the weather. Personally, I don’t think the weather is the main issue in today’s politics. Main stream Americans have more on their mind in today’s economy.
SP: Are you referring to my outfit or my hairdo?
Me: Good lord.
SP: Yes, he is a good Lord. And I know, and all true Americans across this country know that our Lord is blessing us with our faith and will provide and take care of us in our times of discord and doubt.
Me: Right. Governor Palin, you are promoting a multi billion dollar pipeline project that will deliver oil to Canada and then fanned out to the 48. Do you see this project coming to fruition in our generation or the generation of our children?
SP: First of all, let me say that our children are innocent in the eyes of God and should be not used by the media, such as these talk shows, to promote one’s own kinky secrets.
Me: What in the world do you mean by that?
SP: I think my meaning is pretty clear. You used the pipeline project as a phallus symbol and created a very offensive joke by bringing in children of American families. I don’t think any decent American would find humor in a sick joke implying rape by a foreign object on little children.
Me: (aside) Can somebody hit me over the head because I think I’m already unconscious.
Me: Governor Palin, when was the last time you had a psychiatric examination?
SP: (smiling) Oh no you don’t. I won’t fall into that. But I will, after this interview is over, look up the definition of psychiatric and I’ll get back to you.
Me: Our time is up, Governor, and I will allow you a final comment.
SP: There is no truth to the rumor that Todd paint’s my toenails. Todd is a hunter. Not a painter.
Me: Thank you. Thank you. (aside) Somebody get me a god damn drink!
My favorite quote:
On the dogmas of religion, as distinguished from moral principles, all mankind, from the beginning of the world to this day, have been quarreling, fighting, burning and torturing one another, for abstractions unintelligible to themselves and to all others, and absolutely beyond the comprehension of the human mind.
– Thomas Jefferson, letter to Archibald Carey, 1816
The following video, already viewed by over a million people, is one of the funniest individually conceived and executed summations of 2008 that I’ve seen.
It has been speculated on how Lizzie Borden and her family celebrated Christmas. Click these links to find out. Be patient on the loading – it’s worth it!
Meanwhile, down at the Mellen House, here’s what Mayor Couglin, Dr. Dolan, Marshal Hilliard, Inspector Fleet, and pharmacist Eli Bence were doing back in Christmas 1893.
I’ll be adding a few more between now and Christmas, so check back soon. :)