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Time Portal: Phaye’s Phrustration – A Five Minute Movie

22 Sep

The following was written in 2005 and having come across it in my misc. file folder, thought I’d post it here “just for laughs”.


Collared Peccary(Javelina~Musk Hog)

 

UNTITLED

INT. FAYE’S HOUSE – DAY

We see Faye at the computer, in her flannel robe. She has been trying to finish a long “work in progress” – a spec script for the owner of the Lizzie Borden B&B. She’s had 3 cups of coffee and no breakfast or lunch. In 5 hours she has typed two lines into the script using Final Draft 7.0 software. She considers herself somewhere between Beginner and Intermediate level in proficiency. Her frustration mounts as she struggles to find the words to type.

FAYE

(cursing)

God damn *@#!*! Why can’t I do this? Shit.

CLOSE ON MONITOR

MONITOR

(sounding like a sister to “Hal” )

Faye.

FAYE

(looks around)

Huh? What?

MONITOR

Faye.

Faye looks at the monitor, realizes it’s speaking to her.

FAYE

What?

MONITOR

Give it up, Faye. You can’t do this.

FAYE

What the f…..

 

MONITOR

Trust me, Faye. Give it up.

FAYE

Look, whoever you are. I can’t give it up. I’m committed. I’ve done tougher things than this. Give me A friggin’ break.

MONITOR
If you write it, they will read.

FAYE

Make up your mind.

MONITOR

No, Faye. Make up yours.

Suddenly there’s a loud knocking at the front door. Faye gets up from her computer room and crosses through the kitchen to the living room to the front door. She opens the door. Standing there are 3 young men dressed in black.

YOUNG MAN #1

(holding a Bible)

Good afternoon. We’re from the Church of Latter Day Saints. How are you this morning? Is there anything we can do for you today?

FAYE

Yeah. Pay off my mortgage.

YOUNG MAN #1

(laughing)

We can tell you how to enrich your life with Christ’s words.

FAYE

(holding up her middle finger)

You see this word?

Young Man #2 and #3 laugh out loud and tug on Young Man #1 that they should leave. They proceed down the redwood deck.

FAYE

(yelling after them)

Well, my money shan’t pay for it!

CUT TO:

INT. – FAYE’S HOUSE – KITCHEN

Faye pours herself another cup of coffee, stands at the kitchen counter and looks through some magazines.

FAYE

This is nuts. I’ve got to get this done.

Faye walks back to her computer, sits down and stares at it.

MONITOR

Nice to see you back, Faye.

FAYE

Look, if you’re gonna talk to me, talk to me in dialog so I can type as you go along. At least I’ll get something down. I’ve been at this off and on longer than the gestation period of an elephant. Are you gonna help me or not?

MONITOR

Did she or didn’t she?

FAYE

Don’t go there.

MONITOR

No, really. Did she or didn’t she?

FAYE

You’re toying with me.

MONITOR

I toy you not. Did she or didn’t she? That is the question.

FAYE

Keep it up and I’ll yank your cable.

MONITOR

(with sarcasm)

Ooooooooooh. I’m so frightened.

FAYE

Look, you’re sucking up my time. Go away so I can try to finish this thing. I keep telling him I’ll have it in a couple weeks.

MONITOR

I don’t like your hair that way.

Faye lets out a horrific primal scream and bends down underneath the computer desk and yanks out the connection. The screen goes black. She picks up the phone and calls her son.

JOSH

Hello.

FAYE

Josh, I’m dying here. I can’t get in the zone to finish this script. I’m blocked. I’ve been blocked for weeks. Nothing comes. I’ve no excuses. I even took a Sick day today to stay home and get it done. I’m guilt ridden. Frustrated. And I think I’m hallucinating.

JOSH

O.K. Here’s what you do. Get away from the computer. Get out of the computer room. Get out of the house. Go to a movie. Go antiquing. Put yourself in a completely different environment. Then go back to it later. You can’t fight The Beast, mom. The Beast will always win.

FAYE

Donald must think I’m never going to come across with this. He’s been patient as a saint. I’m guilt-ridden, I tell ya. Major guilt.

JOSH

He won’t think that. YOU think that. Stop thinking. Relax your brain. Fix yourself a nice cup of latte.

FAYE

Arrrggggh.

JOSH

What? Whadya say?

FAYE

Nothing. Let me call you later.

JOSH

You can do it, mom. You are Da Momma San. You are Woman. You are strong. Come on, lemme hear ya roar.

FAYE

Bye sweetie. You make me smile.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. – TONTO NATIONAL FOREST – DAY

We see Faye walking through the woods. She carries a stick in one hand and micro recorder in the other. She is mumbling scenes and dialog. She spots a small herd of javalinas about 25 feet away.

JAVALINA #1

Look. It’s her. The one who’s writing the script.

JAVALINA #2

Funny, she doesn’t look like a writer.

JAVALINA #3

That’s how they fool ya.

JAVALINA #1

(snorts)

Hey, Faye! How many pages have you got done now?

FAYE

(holds out her micro recorder)

See this? It’s a Javalina Destruction Device. New from Walmart. Go away.

JAVALINA #2

What a bitch.

The Javalinas turn and slowly walk away into the forest, out of sight.

FADE OUT

INT. – FAYE’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Faye is at her computer. She wears a sweatshirt and sweatpants, fluffy slippers and a new hair cut. She is typing. There are printed papers everywhere. Reference books spill out all over the floor. On a box on the floor is a coffee pot with a half cup of cold coffee remaining. Tissues are scattered about. Pink Post-It notes decorate her computer. A yellow felt marker is clenched between her teeth. She has been struggling for days to finish the script. She feels her guilt subsiding. Her sense of accomplishment is rising. A golden glow is emanating from her satisfied countenance.

She types the last few words and smiles widely as the yellow marker falls from her mouth and drops into a cold cup of coffee sitting on the floor. She chuckles and looks back at her computer screen and reads the words:

“THE END”

FADE OUT.

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1 Comment

Posted by on September 22, 2007 in Just for Laughs, Time Portals

 

One response to “Time Portal: Phaye’s Phrustration – A Five Minute Movie

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