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The Office Christmas Party

19 Dec
When I worked for the City of Portland, Oregon, Mayor Vera Katz proclaimed there would be no “Christmas trees” in any city owned building. No employee could answer the phone “Merry Christmas”. Any Christmas displays had to also have Kwanza displays. Suffice to say, the Holiday Season was hardly a “blended” period of harmony. The so-called “celebrating our diversity” only served to highlight our differences, drawing distinctions between one group from another, rather than celebrating all “humankind”.

If you are the type offended by language, you probably won’t find humor in this post anyway, so just stop reading right now. Did you stop? No self control, eh?

To the vast majority of Americans who are fed up with this era of “socially correct” b.s., I’m sure you’ll find a chuckle in the following. Having been a H.R. Director, I can tell you I not only related to “Patty” but laughed out loud at this one! 🙂

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 01, 2007

RE: Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along.

And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM . Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 02, 2007

RE: HolidayParty

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our ” Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 03, 2007

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table . You didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 04, 2007

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed, though. We will have booster seats for short people Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

FROM:: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F–king Employees

DATE: December 05, 2007

RE: The F–king Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f–king salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: December 06, 2007

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party.

 


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