Sarah Palin, media slut politico, is really making a big deal out of Letterman’s joke the other night. So I envisioned myself interviewing her on a morning talk show. Might go something like this:
Me: Good morning. How are you today?
SP: First of all, let me say I would have hoped we could get off to a pleasant beginning. I do not think it appropriate to question my personal health simply because you cannot form a conclusion as to the condition of the weather. Personally, I don’t think the weather is the main issue in today’s politics. Main stream Americans have more on their mind in today’s economy.
SP: Are you referring to my outfit or my hairdo?
Me: Good lord.
SP: Yes, he is a good Lord. And I know, and all true Americans across this country know that our Lord is blessing us with our faith and will provide and take care of us in our times of discord and doubt.
Me: Right. Governor Palin, you are promoting a multi billion dollar pipeline project that will deliver oil to Canada and then fanned out to the 48. Do you see this project coming to fruition in our generation or the generation of our children?
SP: First of all, let me say that our children are innocent in the eyes of God and should be not used by the media, such as these talk shows, to promote one’s own kinky secrets.
Me: What in the world do you mean by that?
SP: I think my meaning is pretty clear. You used the pipeline project as a phallus symbol and created a very offensive joke by bringing in children of American families. I don’t think any decent American would find humor in a sick joke implying rape by a foreign object on little children.
Me: (aside) Can somebody hit me over the head because I think I’m already unconscious.
Me: Governor Palin, when was the last time you had a psychiatric examination?
SP: (smiling) Oh no you don’t. I won’t fall into that. But I will, after this interview is over, look up the definition of psychiatric and I’ll get back to you.
Me: Our time is up, Governor, and I will allow you a final comment.
SP: There is no truth to the rumor that Todd paint’s my toenails. Todd is a hunter. Not a painter.
Me: Thank you. Thank you. (aside) Somebody get me a god damn drink!
My favorite quote:
On the dogmas of religion, as distinguished from moral principles, all mankind, from the beginning of the world to this day, have been quarreling, fighting, burning and torturing one another, for abstractions unintelligible to themselves and to all others, and absolutely beyond the comprehension of the human mind.
— Thomas Jefferson, letter to Archibald Carey, 1816