Thanksgiving 1891 – What Lizzie Borden is Thankful For

25 Nov

Lizzie has sat down and made out a list for what she is thankful for on Thanksgiving, 1891:

I’m thankful for all the things I get to do at Central Congregational Church.  (They like me!  They really, really like me!)

I’m thankful I got accepted as Secretary to the Women’s Board of the Fall River Hospital.  (They all like my penmanship).

I’m thankful Emma knows how to keep her mouth shut.

I’m thankful I’m a Borden.

I’m thankful I have so many books.

I’m thankful father pays my bills at McWhirrs, Gifford’s and other places for things I “got”.

I’m thankful I don’t have bright red hair.

I’m thankful Dr. Bowen lives nearby.  (He is so handsome!)

I’m thankful I don’t have to do any housework, except the care of my room – which Emma does mostly anyway.

I’m thankful Abby has no shoes with good tread when she clumsily wobbles up and down the stairs.

I’m thankful Aunt Lurana’s neuralgia is not getting worse.

I’m thankful father called off the investigation of “that robbery” this year.

I’m thankful nobody used those horse-car tickets.

I’m thankful Mrs. Holmes and Anna Borden invite me to their homes so I can use a real bathroom.

I’m thankful father didn’t cut back my $4.00 a week allowance when I implored him to give me more – that miserly, degenerate b…..d.  (Oh, but I dare not put my true thoughts down on paper).

I’m thankful Emma finally gave me the bigger room.

I’m thankful I got to go on the Grand Tour last year, and oh, how I pray to return.

I’m thankful I have an aversion to pigeon pie.

I’m thankful Uncle Morse won’t be here for dinner, that smelly, secretive old coot.

I’m thankful my new gloves match my new hat.

I’m thankful I have a knack for decorating.


I’m thankful for my loyal friends – few as they are.

I’m thankful Central is so close now that Father sold our horse.

I’m thankful Father keeps accumulating more property.

I wonder what I’ll be thankful for this time next year?


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Posted by on November 25, 2009 in Just for Laughs


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