Channel Surfing the Borden Case in Contemporary Times

12 Aug

CNN World Headquarters in Atlanta:

“Fall River.  The younger daughter of a banker suspected of the brutal murders of her father and stepmother.  Anderson Cooper is on the ground.  Stand by.”

Greta Van Sustern:

“I sat down with Miss Borden and she assured me she didn’t do it.  I believe her.”

Wall Street Impact: 

“Mr. Borden was worth twelve million dollars not counting his wardrobe.”

Nancy Grace: 

“She had her own room, nice clothes, a comfortable home.  I suppose this just wasn’t enough.  How could a daughter do such a thing to her own father?  Was she just a spoiled brat?  Tonight we have 3 psychologists who will delve into the mind of this haughty accused younger daughter.”

Larry King:

“On the panel tonight – Marshall Rufus Hilliard,  Mayor John Coughlin, Undertaker Winward, and Renscomb Case.  Don’t go away, we’ll be right back.”


“We have a film clip of Fall River – notice the beautiful bay and the Victorian homes.  Today, everyone in the audience gets a Victorian home!  Yayyyy!”


“Live from Saturday Night – It’s Lizzie Borden!”

Jay Leno:

“Did you hear about the spinster school teacher that whacked her father and stepmother in Fall River?   Well, okay, okay, suspected.  Oh sure.  The only one who could have done it.  This is a no brainer.  Supposedly she wanted to live up on The Hill where all the rich people lived.  Some daughters, you just don’t say No to.”

Paris Hilton:

“I think I heard about it.  Fall River.  Is that in the Mediterranean?”

Dr. Oz: 

Three day old mutton.  Clogs your arteries.  Johnny Cakes.  Sugar and corn meal.  Rotten bananas.   Never mind axes and hatchets. This stuff can kill you.”

Bristol County District Attorney: 

“It was an impossible crime.  And yet it happened.  Now get that microphone out of my face.”

Mayor of Fall River:

“Whatever I have to say I will say on Larry King.”

Police Chief Souza: “I’m in a time warp.  Get me out of here.”

Geraldo Rivera -(searching the barn – drops his microphone and walks off)


“We caught Lizzie peeking out of the dining room window.  What a babe!”

Rush Limbaugh: 

“Had Obama not restricted funds for better transportation in the region, this type of thing would not have happened.  We have the Democrats and all their ilk to blame for this.”

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Posted by on August 12, 2010 in Just for Laughs, Time Portals


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