Watching CNN I get this image of future virtual elections where we don’t even go to the polls or mail in a ballot. We will leave it all up to the media and its precinct reporters, political strategists, assorted “15-minutes-of-fame” hired talking heads we’ve never seen before, animated anchors fueled by Red Bull, clever digital graphics and redundant candidate speech videos, We will be both mesmerized and seduced by the non-stop explanations of socio-geographic percentages as they relate to the red and blue states while wishing all states were just a phucking purple.
As the virtual election day progresses, we will note the heightened excitement of the cable and network news anchors as they engage in a maniacal race for calling the winner based on projections as mystifying and astonishing as the new new math. We will be further astounded by the subsequent accuracy of their “calling it” on winning candidates and ballot initiatives with only 0.2% of all voters in all precincts across the nation having voted. We will succumb to the veracity of what they are saying because, after all, they are not only seasoned political commentators but also college professors, former press secretaries, newspaper publishers, precinct organizers and people we’ve never seen or heard of before but deliver their monolog with convincing hand gestures. Men, especially, will be seduced by the rhetoric of the 20-something blonde, hard-belly Stanford graduate babe who says things like: “Just as with the 1948 election…..”, while women over 60 will just want to rip her throat out.
By the time 3:00 pm on the west coast arrives, 90% of all candidates and initiatives will have been “winner called”, and by the 5:00 pm news we can watch the losers thanking all their volunteers. We won’t even have to read the morning’s headlines to know who won or what passed – we will have learned all about it long before Sons of Anarchy airs.
Yep, virtual elections. Next development: Bio-robotical candidates with a downloadable app for virtual campaigning.