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Category Archives: Just for Laughs

Stuff I find funny. You don’t have to.

A Man and His Dog – Which one is “loyal”? From the Lizzie Borden Forum

 

The post here from Ellen Smith (i.e. Angel), in reply to Michael Brimbaugh (mbhenty) is so insightful and very clever.  LOL!

Re: There was in the barn a secret that must be covered

Postby mbhenty » Mon May 20, 2013 1:25 am

Of course, when I go on a crime spree I don’t use a flashlight. I take my Dog.

 

Re: There was in the barn a secret that must be covered

Postby Angel » Mon May 20, 2013 10:49 am

WHAT? Should Onslow know that you’re seeing another dog?

 

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Angel
 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on May 20, 2013 in Just for Laughs

 

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For Those Still Goo-Goo, Gaa-Gaa Over Lizzie Borden

If you’re still one who salivates over anything that might have been owned by, touched by, seen by, walked passed by, yaddayaddayadda on Lizzie Borden, check this out:

http://pinterest.com/dawnone/lizzy-borden/

babylizzie

Scroll thru and take particular note of the “Lizzie Borden as a baby”, and “Lizzie Borden’s compact”, complete with her L.A. B. initials.

compact

I swear, this feces never stops.    I would be curious, however, to know how much the “baby lizzie” framed image went for.

BTW, I have a pansy broach that belonged to Lizzie, inscribed “Daphne”.

That’s an inside joke if you’ve read Parallel Lives;)

 

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Mysterious Secret Space Mission Involved Borden Murder Weapon (Possible)

I have my own suspicions of what was really going on up there and here they are:

1) Hiding Obama’s REAL birth certificate.
2) Delivering and photographing progress on secret resort facility for the privileged 1% who will escape planet Earth on 12/20/12.
3) Surveying sites for first inter-galactic International Prison.
4) Transporting pods of bio-engineered Justin Biebers and Kim Kardashians for placement on future enemy planets.
5) Secreting recently discovered murder weapon (hatchet) used by Dr. Bowen’s wagon driver in the 1892 Borden murders.
6) Clones of both Obama and Romney to insure corporate control of the country regardless of who wins.
7) A weapon of such massive destruction deemed too dangerous to be housed on earth.
8) Formula for the cure of all known cancers (sub-financed by the pharmeceudical industry).
8) Space floating coffins of contestants from American Idol whom no one has seen or heard of since they won.
9) Sought and found appropriate space location for the long lost silver chalice.
10) Sustaining chamber housing the real Osama bin Laden.
 
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Posted by on June 16, 2012 in Just for Laughs

 

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Lizzie Borden – “Inside the Legend” – Cracks Me Up

From my Facebook page:
Faye Musselman shared a link.
This is precisely the kind of pop culture gross misrepresentation and misinformation of Lizzie Borden that drives me nuts. NONETHELESS I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING!!!!http://www.webseriestoday.com/2012/05/inside-legend-lizzie-borden.html
Web Series Today: Inside The Legend – Lizzie Borden
This relates to another “legend”:  Click index?qid=20120523141524AA2ELZn.
 
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Posted by on May 24, 2012 in Just for Laughs

 

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Random Thoughts on Lizzie Borden, Doomsday Preppers, Mary Cantwell, Hunters & Gatherers

“Lizzie Borden Took an Axe and….”  WHOA!  STOP RIGHT THERE!.   NO SHE DIDN’T!  NO, SHE DID NOT!  IT WASN’T AN AXE – IT WAS A HATCHET!  CAN YOU PEOPLE GET THAT STRAIGHT ONCE AND FOR ALL???!

LOOK, I’LL ILLUSTRATE THE DIFFERENCE FOR YOU:

<——–AXE                      HATCHET——->

Here, let me illustrate a little further:

Now, granted, that’s just the head of a handle-less HATCHET, but it’s STILL a hatchet.  Oh, I know, “hatchet” doesn’t fit into that inaccurate quatrain quoted more often than reruns of that Elizabeth Montgomery made-for-TV movie.  But look, here she is and what is she holding?

A HATCHET!!  And a pretty good replica of what was presented at the Trial, sans the handle, of course.  Anyway, it was a HATCHET.  A HATCHET, AND NOT AN AXE.

Point is, that particular quatrain and the images from that specific movie have created a mindset of Lizzie Borden not only being guilty, but a one dimensional,  psychopathic persona with whom most of the “cult” followers are familiar.  People who read books and who have studied the case know differently.  However, those gawd-awful paranormal shows and misinformation regurgitated from one documentary to another have permanently encapsulated the poor woman into a blood-drenched, demented killer.  But no matter.

Perhaps we can start by re-writing that “haunting melody”????

LIZZIE BORDEN TOOK A HATCHET

AND GAVE HER MOTHER 19 WHACKITS

WHEN SHE SAW HER WORK WAS FINE

SHE GAVE HER FATHER ANOTHER NINE.

Come on.  Give it a try.  It has a nice beat and you can skip rope to it. Any bibliophiles out there wanna put it on YouTube?  Be my guest.

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A friend recently wrote me that Lizzie Borden was a replicant cyborg sent from the future to kill Mr. & Mrs. Andrew Borden.  I found that interesting and began thinking:  What if she was a 19th Century Doomsday Prepper in Fall River?

Just as modern day Doomsday Preppers, Lizzie Borden would have contemplated her reasons:  A collapse of the economy and the loss of her father’s fortune and what that would mean to her own financial security; a hostile takeover of the drunken Irish mill workers; an aerial attack by France dropping exploding cheese and wine bottles from giant air-filled balloons killing two thirds of the town’s population and half its horses.  Or maybe she just felt she had to prepare for *something* because doom and gloom was a recurring characteristic of her basic personality.  After one adopts this premise, it follows she would have begun her preparations with the planned elimination of dour Andrew and long-suffering Abby.  I think those plans would have included disposing of the hatchet in such a manner it would never be found.  After all, she came from the future (OUR future) and she may have studied on reverse engineering of manufactured steel and bio-chemical reconfigurations and transformed the hatchet into handkerchiefs.  Hey, it’s possible.

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It was her July 26, 1992 article by which I was informally introduced to Mary Cantwell.  I was in NYC on July 26th and 27th of that year enroute to Fall River for the 1992 Centennial Conference on Lizzie Borden.  I was so struck by her humor (let alone accuracy in her column) and thrilled she had spoken to my friend, the late John Corrigan.

When I first arrived in Fall River, I showed the article to Florence Brigham, then Curator of the Fall River Historical Society.  Florence put me in touch with Mary Cantwell and we subsequently enjoyed a correspondence over many years.  We shared the fact we had raised our children on our own as working mothers in two decades (70’s and 80’s) where workplace policies were not considerate of our situations.  One of her low points was being dumped by James Dickey, (he wrote Deliverance) for a “ravish me now’ much younger blonde.  Men.  Can’t live with ’em. Can’t kill ’em.  (I forget who originated that).  Which brings me to this next random selection.

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I have this theory about why men are pigs.

Men have their sexual organs outside – usually perpendicular and on the hunt.  Women, on the other hand, have their sex organs placed internally. “Internalized sex.”  Get it?  Oh they gather, sure, but they think differently.  We like the romantic aspect of the act – men just like the act.  Gross generalizations here, but this post isn’t supposed to be more than a paragraph or two  and look what I’ve done?

So I’ll shut up for now and go back to writing Lizzie Borden’s Burn Book Diaries.  Boy, oh boy, is *she* gonna have her day!!!   :)

 

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The Lizzie Borden-Howdy Doody Connection

I spotted the above framed photo in a second hand store in Seattle two weeks ago.  I thought the little boy was so damn cute.  When I went to pay for it I was told it was Billy Oltman who won a Howdy Doody look-alike contest in the l950’s.  A subsequent internet search resulted in little more information about darling little Billy.  I guess it was his 15 minutes.

contests_howdy.htm

The connection to Lizzie:  None, other than the fact I took the photo of the photo of him on the same shelf as my Parallel Lives books.  But I bet this blog post title got you real curious, huh?  LOL.

 
 

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Hell

The following blog entry has nothing to do with Lizzie (hmmm?). ***********************************************************************
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.


Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you”, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct…leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”

(THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A” IN THE CLASS.)

 
 
 
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